


The Right Path

by marcysgirl



Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Eventual Smut, Everybody Lives, Everyone Is Gay, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, LOTS OF KINKY SHIT LMAO, M/M, im serious it will get kinky, im tired why isn't there enough of this ship, it's what might've happened if it were a Regular Movie, kitty is gay lol, let me live please, lots of gay, nobody's controlled, they get married at the end :D, we love and support stefan butler, yeet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2020-05-07 13:13:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19210147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcysgirl/pseuds/marcysgirl
Summary: Stefan Butler has the privilege to work with 𝘵𝘩𝘦 Colin Ritman. His idol for years sits a few mere feet from himself, but who knows? Maybe Colin fantasizes about the other boy, too.





	1. Idolizing

**Author's Note:**

> please suggest story ideas for this ship! anything! i love these boys but i'm not very inspired, so if u want something, suggest away! i'll write pretty much anything lmao

Stefan Butler walked into the first day of his new job at Tuckersoft, a strange scent of both cigarette smoke and cleaning supplies almost making him question his decision. Almost immediately after passing the receptionist, Thakur greeted him enthusiastically. More enthusiastically than Stefan was prepared for. “Welcome! Stefan, right?” He asked, gripping Stefan’s hand in a handshake that felt like it drained the life from him. Additionally, he had mispronounced the new employee’s name, as most people do. Stefan quickly corrected him. “Well, sorry for the mess. We’ve just moved in,” Thakur begins to explain his plans for expansion as Stefan’s mind wanders, as well as his eyes. A poster with the words “Metl Hedd” printed at the top caught his attention, and Thakur noticed. “That’s Colin’s new one,” He says with a proud grin.  
“...Colin Ritman?” Stefan asks, suddenly paying full attention. Colin Ritman was the name of Stefan’s idol of the past few years, and the concept of working for the same company made his head spin.  
“That’s him over there,” Thakur gestures to the blond with a nod of his head.  
“That's… That’s crazy. I’ve played all of his games,” Stefan is in complete shock at this point. He’d never quite been starstruck before, and he didn’t particularly enjoy the way his thoughts weren’t even close to organized.  
“Let’s say hello,” Thakur suggested, and Stefan’s anxiety only spiraled from there. Just minutes prior, he had walked into the building with barely an ounce of joy and maybe a bit of excitement, and now, he was about to meet his idol.  
“Are you sure he won’t mind? He’s working,” Stefan panicked. What if he made a horrible first impression? What if Colin was busy and didn’t want to be annoyed? Thakur ignored these fears and urged him to follow anyway.  
After some light banter from Thakur that Colin seemed to completely despise, Stefan was able to introduce himself. He shakily held a hand out, and Colin shook it, seemingly cautiously. Stefan notices every detail about the exchange. The cigarette burns and scars on Colin’s hands, the way he seemed to completely ignore the fact that the younger’s hands were shaking, the warmth and comfort of a simple handshake… Stefan wanted to live in the moment. It passed too quickly.  
Stefan's thoughts are swimming relentlessly as he starts to talk about how much of a fan he is, but stops himself before seeming too obsessive. The next few exchanges go by in a blur; thankfully Stefan can calm down a bit before completely embarrassing himself.  
“You’ve got a desk somewhere around here, would you like to get set up?” Thakur asks Stefan suddenly.  
“Uh, yeah,” He replies awkwardly, stuck in the decision of lingering a bit longer with Colin or actually figuring his life out. His desk isn’t massive, but it’s not too small, either. In fact, it’s next to Colin’s, but just a few feet to the left.  
A few conversations with Thakur later, Stefan was sitting at his new desk, reading through Bandersnatch and desperately avoiding eye contact with the celebrity to his right. “So what’s your deal?” Colin’s voice startled him; he didn’t realize that Colin had gotten up to lean on the edge of Stefan’s desk.  
“Sorry, what?” Stefan stuttered, mentally wanting the conversation to be over. He didn’t like talking to people in general, and he especially didn’t like making a fool of himself in front of somebody that he looked up to.  
“What’s your game about? Come on, let’s see it,” Colin clarified, seeming to completely ignore Stefan’s behavior.  
“Oh, it’s based on this book,” Stefan explained, scrambling to set up the game from the beginning and figure out how to describe his work. “It’s like a choose your own adventure kind of thing, I guess. It’s just taking me a while,” He found his knee bouncing nervously, and forced himself to stop.  
“I see. Sounds interesting enough,” Colin stood up and gently placed a hand on Stefan’s shoulder, who turned to hide the redness rising to his face. “If you run into any issues, I’m happy to help,” He offered and went back to his own workspace.  
The rest of the day, Stefan could barely focus on his own work; he was distracted by the previous encounter. Every time he’d glance to the clock on the left wall, he’d try to avoid Colin’s stare. Finally, he was free to go home and have as many mental breakdowns as necessary.  
“How was your first day?” Peter, Stefan’s father, asked.  
“Hm? Oh, it was fine,” Stefan mumbled before hurrying to his room, ignoring the exasperated sigh from Peter.  
Stefan had never really put much thought into his own sexual orientation. It never really mattered; nobody asked, and he never really seemed interested in anybody. Of course, it only took meeting someone like Colin Ritman to make him question it.


	2. A Quick Walk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry for the slow updates, I'm just now finishing up my work and I'm in the middle of training. New chapters will keep coming, though! :) <333

Stefan lay awake that night. Nothing keeps you up like questioning your identity. He knew there was nothing to be ashamed of for liking the same sex, but he just didn’t feel like gay really suited him. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with being it, but Stefan was sure he wasn’t. But soon after he confirmed his thought and started to go to sleep, he realized something. If he were straight, he would’ve been interested in girls. Just one. That never happened, not once in his life. Not a single female could make his heart race like C- Stop it. He thought to himself. Quickly getting frustrated, he forced himself to clear his mind and go to sleep.  
The next morning, Stefan was overcome with a wave of anxiety; a wave so strong that he wanted to stay in bed. Knowing he only spent one day at his new job and he would likely regret quitting on the second day, he forced himself to shower and eat breakfast. Ignoring his dad once again, he started out to the bus stop.  
The bus stop was a quiet place. Well, for the city, at least. It was relaxing and familiar, and usually, Stefan found comfort in the repetition of his day and spending a few minutes of his day in a place he knew. Not this time. The anxiety that almost kept him in bed this morning wouldn’t go away; it was like a constant punch to the stomach. Trying to ignore it and continue his day, Stefan boarded the bus when it finally came to the stop. The bus ride felt slower than usual, almost antagonizing to him. On the 12 minute ride, he finally decided that he would completely ignore Colin for the day and see how he felt about it.  
Keeping his eyes down, Stefan hurried to his desk and started reading his book. Well, as much as anyone can read a book while feeling someone staring at them; he tried to immerse himself further into the story but failed soon after when Colin had walked up to his desk like the day before. “Come take a walk with me, yeah?”  
After placing his bookmark in between the pages, Stefan stood and walked a bit briskly to catch up with Colin, who had already started walking. Additionally, it didn’t help that he had much longer legs. Once they were out of earshot and in the elevator, Colin spoke up. “Tell me about yourself.” He stated, leaving Stefan a lot to think about.  
“There’s not much to hear,” He averted his eyes.  
“Tell me anyway. I’m assuming we’re going to be spending a lot of time together in the near future, so I’d rather hear the tragic backstory now.” Stefan smiled at the last bit.  
“Okay,” The elevator doors opened, and they stepped out. “I live with my terrible dad in a shitty house and spent ninety percent of my time locked in my room, having meltdowns and identity crises. Like I said, not much to tell,” Stefan said in one breath, suddenly feeling fairly vulnerable.  
“Right, tragic backstory it is. What makes your dad so terrible?” Colin pushed as they stepped into the spring weather.  
“That’s a long story, and I don’t have one specific answer for that,” Stefan responded after a brief moment of silence.  
“You don’t have to tell it, but we’ve got the time,” Said the considerably taller blond. “I could probably murder someone and Thakur wouldn’t fire me.”  
“I’d appreciate if you didn’t murder anybody,” Stefan replied as they crossed the street. Sometimes, he still had to walk a bit faster to catch up. “But he’s got the right intention, I think. My dad, that is. I think he’s really trying to help me but I’m just not ready to accept it,” He continued, getting more frustrated at the thought. “Sorry, you probably don’t want to hear the depressing parts.”  
“Quite the opposite, really. Nobody in the office is really real to me. Hearing something genuine is refreshing. Only if you’re comfortable with it, of course,” Colin pulled out a cigarette as he spoke, lighting it quickly and not faltering in his step.  
“Thanks, I guess. Um, I guess I haven’t really talked to anyone about this, other than the therapist that I’m forced to see,” Stefan continued, feeling a bit less vulnerable, but still a bit in shock that he was telling his life story to an idol of his. “I sort of blame him for my mum’s death, and he knows it. He’s really trying to help, though, with the medication and the therapy… I just don’t want his help. And honestly, it’s not even working,”  
Colin seemed to be listening, which Stefan thought was exceedingly kind for a complete stranger. “Help with what?” He continued the questions after he exhaled the smoke.  
“Everything that’s wrong with me, essentially. I just spend all of my time indoors, being completely afraid of absolutely everything. I’m pretty surprised I’m out here talking to you in the first place,” Stefan found himself rambling. “I’m just anxious all the time, and nothing is helping.”  
“I see. I suppose you have a few reasons to be mad at your dad, yeah? Must not help living alone with him,” Colin rationalized with a nod after tossing his cigarette, and Stefan realized that they had made a loop around the area so that they were back at Tuckersoft. “Anyway, I’ll give you my number and we’ll talk again sometime,” He suggested as they entered the elevator and cool air conditioning once again.  
“You don’t have to, really. I wouldn’t want to impose like that,” Stefan rushed the words, feeling a bit guilty for talking about himself the entire time.  
“Nonsense. I’d enjoy getting to know you if that’s alright,” Colin said, making direct eye contact with Stefan with a slight smile. Thankfully, the elevator doors opened just in time for Stefan to avoid a meltdown and to hide his now reddened face.  
“That’d be nice,” He said softly and returned to his desk, pretending not to see Colin laugh at him under his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, thank you for commenting. It really helps!


	3. Yep, That's Gay.

It’s been a week since their first walk together, and they’ve been doing so daily since then. Stefan quickly notices that Colin never wants to talk about himself; he only wants to hear about Stefan. It puts him into an almost uncomfortable spotlight, but he manages.  
“What music do you listen to?” Colin asks as they step into the sunlight.  
“Nothing good,” Stefan replies blankly.  
After a brief moment of silence, Colin speaks up. “Are you feeling alright today? If you don’t mind me asking.”  
“It’s fine,” Stefan shrugs off the question, hoping to move on.  
“But are you?” Colin continues. Stefan frowns.  
“I don’t need to dump all of my emotional problems onto you. It doesn’t matter,” Stefan looks in the other direction, thinking of how to change the direction of the conversation.  
“Look, you don’t have to tell me if you’re seriously not comfortable, but don’t think you’re a burden. I’m happy to listen,” Colin explains kindly, almost frustratingly so.  
“Sorry for being… I don’t know. Nothing’s really making sense to me lately,” Stefan sighs in defeat, not particularly looking forward to an emotional breakdown.  
“What do you mean by that?”  
“I don’t really know. Nothing seems to matter,” Stefan explains hesitantly, jumping a bit when he feels Colin place a hand on his shoulder.  
“You matter,” They stop in the middle of the sidewalk. “I mean… If everything is meaningless and there’s no point, then yeah. I would probably feel the same as you. The issue is, you need to find your own meaning. Find your own point to life. The hard part is doing it alone, but you don’t have to,” Colin explains, not seeming to care that people were frustratedly brushing past them.  
“What do you mean? That I, uh… don’t have to alone?” Stefan asks, hoping his face isn’t too red.  
“I mean I’m here for you, dummy. Come on, we don’t wanna be late.”  
☆ ☆ ☆  
Stefan walked to the bus stop at the end of the day, and Colin’s words were still swimming in his mind. Repeating the scene in his head made his heart race, and it concerned him. Stefan was sure that if he ever faced his own sexuality, it would just end in heartbreak. So he continued to suppress the thoughts he had. Finally, the bus arrived. He sat in the very back and listened to his music, desperately trying to erase his mind. Eventually, he was able to let the music take every thought out of his head; just for a few minutes. In fact, he almost missed his stop.  
Hopping off the bus, Stefan slowly made his way home. He honestly didn’t want to face the crisis waiting in his room. Not a physical one, but a mental one; it lurked in his mind like a thunderstorm creeping up on a small, defenseless town. His mental preparation only lasted a few more seconds as he was walking up his driveway soon after.  
“Hello, Stefan. How did your day go?” His dad asked. Stefan hummed an answer and headed up the stairs. Falling face-first onto his bed, he cleared his mind again. Well, he attempted to. The only thing on his mind was the bleached blond who seemed to want to know everything about Stefan’s life. Eventually, he found himself drifting to sleep.   
Something was faintly playing in the very background… Something classical. Was it classical? Stefan couldn’t tell in the dream he was in. There was another thing that he could point out… his sense of touch. He was being held. Somebody had their hands on Stefan’s waist, and he decided that it wasn’t a bad dream. It was quite nice, actually. He slow danced with the stranger for a bit longer before opening his eyes and looking up to see that it was Colin holding him so securely. Stefan only closed his eyes again and rested his head on Colin’s chest. He knew that there should be a lot of things wrong with the situation, but ignored it and enjoyed the rest of the dream.  
He woke with a start. Oh, God. Yep. That was gay. That was definitely a gay thing. Sitting on his bed for a few minutes, he ran over the dream in his head over and over again. The thoughts he wanted to have were that it was wrong and just a weird dream, but the thoughts he did have were saying that it was more than a weird dream. Better than weird. Quite a good dream. One that he secretly wished was a reality.  
Nope, absolutely not. Stefan wouldn’t let his mind drift that far. A piece of paper sitting on his desk seemed like a ticking bomb now; it needed to be defused. Colin’s phone number. Ignoring the fact that it was almost three in the morning, Stefan picked up the phone and dialed the number. It rang once, then twice, and then a click that meant Colin picked up the phone.


	4. Instant Regret

Instant regret. Stefan felt like he could’ve gotten whiplash from how rapidly his heart changed its mind after Colin picked up the phone. “Stefan?” Colin didn’t sound tired, which Stefan thought was strange. Regardless, he was thankful he didn’t interrupt.  
“Um, hey-- wait, how did you know it was me calling?” Stefan tried to keep his voice low to avoid making his dad mad.  
“Just a hunch,” Colin said casually, and Stefan swore he could see the other boy shrugging. “Anywho, what’s up? I was hoping you’d call soon,” Suddenly, he remembered why he called. He wanted to justify it with thinking that the call would brush away any genuine emotions connected to his vivid dream, but instead, hearing his coworker’s voice on the other line did the exact opposite. His emotions increased.  
“Huh? Oh, um, I just had a sort of weird dream and didn’t feel like going back to sleep. You know what? I’ll just go to sleep. Now that it’s out of my mouth I can clearly see that I’m bothering y-” Stefan’s rambling was cut off.  
“No offense, but shut up. You’re not bothering me, I like hearing from you. You’re quite the interesting person if I do say so myself,” Colin assured him.  
“Thanks, but why? Like… I don’t want to be rude, but be honest; is this just a pity friendship? Because I get it, I won’t be upset,” Stefan lied into the phone.  
“If you want me to be honest with you? I get you. I can read you like an open book, and I see that you’re a lot like me, I guess. You know, the whole loner thing. No offense, again. But you’ve got to admit, it’s true. I don’t generally like people, to be completely straightforward, but you’re different, Stefan. You’re the most genuine person I’ve ever met,” Colin spoke like it was nothing; like the words didn’t send chills down Stefan’s spine. “It’s not a pity friendship. Quite the opposite, actually.”  
“Oh. Okay. Sorry, but I don’t have entire speeches prepared all the time, so the best thing I can give you is a ‘thanks,’” Stefan mumbled, still feeling a bit overwhelmed.  
Colin’s laugh was genuine; Stefan could tell through the phone. “I get carried away. That’s my bad. But tell me about your dream.”  
Stefan had hoped that Colin would forget about it. “I don’t wanna bore you with all the meaningless details, but I’m just sort of… confused. I don’t know. I hate dreams like that.” Stefan felt fine saying that because technically, it was only a partial lie. Yes, he disliked dreams that left him disoriented and confused, but he really enjoyed the dream he had.  
“That sucks. You seem like you don’t need another crisis on your hands,” Stefan could almost hear Colin’s smile through the phone.  
“Exactly! I guess I just… I feel like I’m the only person I know, and I don’t even know myself. That doesn’t make sense. Sorry,” Stefan shook his head, still feeling foolish for opening up to Colin. He had no reason to feel this way; Colin’s kindness had proven nothing but a safe space for him.  
“No, I completely get it. Especially this day and age. People are always worried about someone else’s business. It doesn’t give you a lot of room to figure yourself out, you know?” Colin added on.  
“That’s it. That’s exactly it. Especially, my dad, I think. He wouldn’t even let me own a stuffed rabbit because he thought it would turn me gay,” Stefan laughed at the concept.  
“Well, did it?” Colin asked jokingly, laughing as well.  
“Honestly? I couldn’t tell you. I’ll get back to you in three to five business days,” Stefan leaned back further on his bed; relaxing and preparing for a long conversation.  
“God, that’s the first good joke I’ve heard in days. That’s messed up, though. He should’ve minded his damn business.” Colin was right for so many more reasons than he knew. “It doesn’t matter in the long run. You know, sexuality and whatnot.”  
“Yeah, he should’ve. I’m sure he’s more than disappointed in me at this point, but I don’t really care. It’s nothing new,” Stefan sighed and crossed one leg over the other.  
“Well if it’s any help, I don’t think you should care about his opinion. Move out and become famous. You know, easy.” Colin laughed.  
“Oh, why didn’t I think of that? Yeah, let me just get started on that,” Stefan found himself becoming tired again, finally. “I’m feeling a lot better now, so I think I’m gonna try to get back to sleep. Thanks for talking to me.”  
“Anytime. Sleep well, Stefan.”  
“Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, the chapters are a bit short, I just want to get content out there. All of my readers disappeared :,) I hope you're enjoying this story!


	5. hey fellas

uhhh so unless anyone objects i think i'll delete this fic and try again??? it's not quite what i envisioned but if someone actually likes it so far i'll continue it lmao

(edit: i'm gonna continue! expect updates soon!)


	6. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all!!! thank u for the comments :,) sorry this took so long to upload, i've been at camp for a few weeks! hope u enjoy this extra long chapter, pls let me know what you'd like to see more of in this story :)

Stefan woke the next morning with a splitting headache. His clock read 10:14, and he realized that it was Saturday before the panic of possibly being late could sink in. “Stefan?” Peter called from downstairs. “Get yourself presentable, we’re going to lunch in an hour.” An hour? That seemed early. Not feeling like arguing, Stefan dragged himself to the shower. While he waited for the water to warm up, he glanced in the mirror. After frowning at the reflection, he noticed a few cracks around the wall outside of the mirror. Had those always been there? Maybe he was just losing his mind.  
An hour later, he’s sitting in absolute silence with his dad in the car when they suddenly stopped in front of a familiar building. “You need help, Stefan. I’m worried about you,” Peter claims, and Stefan gets out of the car. While seriously considering going inside, something catches his eye. Colin is just down the street, turning to walk in a different direction. Before thinking twice, -- well, not even once, -- he turned on his heel to follow Colin. His father calling after him only made him guilty for a fraction of a second.  
“Colin!” He turned to Stefan as if he’d expected to be noticed.   
“Stefan,” Colin acknowledged the shorter of the two. “How’s the game coming?”  
“Not good. I’m just… I don’t know, I’m just lost,” Stefan felt his heart rate picking up with each second of the interaction.  
“Come on then,” Colin turned and started walking again.   
“What? Uh, okay,” Stefan had completely forgotten about his dad.  
“You’re in a fight with your own head,” Colin suggested, tossing his cigarette to the sidewalk.  
“Yes, that’s exactly it,” Where were they going? Stefan didn’t care. He was just surprised to last this long in the conversation without somehow embarrassing himself.  
“You got anywhere to be later?” Colin seemed to speak like he already knew the answer to every question he asked.  
“Uh, well… No, I guess,” Stefan decided that his dad would figure it out on his own. Somehow. He tried to stop himself from staring, but he just decided that Colin was… just really attractive. Stefan felt like he could feel his heartbeat growing faster with every word that Colin spoke.  
“Come with me, then,” Stefan had to speed-walk for a moment or two every now and then, just to catch up with Colin’s walking. “Do you find yourself thinking about things… out of your control very much?”  
Stefan felt a bit surprised by the question. “Yeah, sometimes. I don’t know, why?”  
“Well, think about it. What are the odds that I was walking home at the same exact time that you were going wherever you were? Seems a bit weird, doesn’t it?” Colin pushed his hands into his coat pockets. Before Stefan could answer, he continued. “I know, coincidences happen. All the time. But why? It just makes you think.”  
“I don’t know. I mean, what makes me different than any other person who would’ve chased you down like a psychopath? I’m sure there are plenty,” Stefan looked at his shoes.  
“Fair point, but consider this: I wouldn’t have asked them how they’re doing. The majority of people I know these days don’t give a shit about anything more than the surface layers. I wouldn’t have felt like talking to anyone else. Isn’t that odd? Also, should I have dragged you away from wherever you were going?” Colin explained, and Stefan felt a pang of deep sadness in his chest. He wasn’t sure where it came from.  
“I don’t really care. My dad is trying to get me into therapy more, but it just stresses me out more than it should. And yeah, I guess that is odd. I don’t really let myself think about more than what keeps me alive at once, so I’m sure that the whole coincidence thing makes sense,” They stepped into the slightly too-cold air of the apartment lobby. “I think I just panic too much. Or I don’t panic enough. Whatever, I’ve lived this long.”  
Stefan had just realized that he was completely blindly following Colin and had no idea where they were. He continued to follow him anyway.  
“I understand. Therapy isn’t really for everyone. Although, I do suggest it,” They stepped into an elevator. “Maybe, you’ve survived this long, but have you really lived, Stefan?”  
The direct confrontation made his head spin. “I… I suppose not, no.”  
They walked down a long hallway once the elevator door opened, and Colin unlocked a door. “Right, I thought so.” Stefan didn’t take it personally. He followed Colin to what seemed to be the living room and sat on the couch, directly in front of Colin. The older of the two lit a joint, but Stefan didn’t mind. In fact, he mentally kicked himself for finding the action attractive. “Here.”  
He wanted to object, but there was something hypnotic about the way Colin offered Stefan the joint. “I haven’t ever really…”  
“Come on.” It was less of convincing Stefan because he’d already decided, but it felt more like encouragement. He took the warm paper and inhaled. After a moment, he coughed a bit. “You’ll get used to that.” Something about the way Colin said it made Stefan feel a bit warmer inside; it suggested a future. Or, maybe it was just the drugs.  
A few minutes later, he was feeling a lot more relaxed. In fact, the most relaxed he’d felt in… well, years, maybe. He didn’t feel he needed to say anything, so he just didn’t. “How are you feeling?” Colin sounded far away and right next to him at the same time. Was he reading his mind? Nope, that’s definitely the drugs.  
“Better. Tired, I think,” Stefan relaxed a bit more on the couch and looked around the room a bit. It was styled nicely.  
“Good. Come on, then,” Colin stood up and stepped towards the window. Or was it the glass doors to a balcony?  
Stefan stood up, feeling both weightless and glued to the floor at the same time. Thankfully, he didn’t have any trouble walking to the balcony doors. Colin leaned on one. “I think the one thing that’s holding you back is not knowing your self-worth, Stefan.”  
He wasn’t expecting that. “I don’t know, I’m no famous programmer,” He mumbled and looked to the ground, feeling a bit overwhelmed. In one swift motion, Colin took off his glasses and gently grabbed Stefan’s face.  
“Listen, I don’t want you talking about yourself that way. You’re smart, and you’re talented, and you’re a good person. Alright?” Colin almost seemed frustrated. Stefan felt like his face was burning up; the feeling of Colin’s calloused hands on his skin, so intimately, made him feel like he couldn’t breathe.  
“O-okay.” Was all he could say. Maybe it was the fact that he was high, but he felt like everything was alright. Just for a moment, at that moment, everything was alright. But of course, the moment ended too soon. Colin opened the doors to the balcony and stepped outside, facing the colorful cityscape. Only then did Stefan realize it was dark outside. He followed Colin, as he was used to at that point. He felt an arm draped over his shoulders, and he leaned into Colin without even realizing it.  
“Look around. Do you see how much the world has to offer? You have to go out there and see it,” Stefan was only half listening; he was becoming more and more tired, and the warmth of Colin wasn’t helping.  
“Okay… Yeah, okay,” Stefan mumbled.  
They stood for a while, looking out at the colors of the bright city. Maybe it was minutes, maybe hours. Eventually, they headed back inside. Colin sat back down on the couch and motioned for Stefan to sit next to him. Of course, he complied. Leaning back on Colin again and laying on his chest a bit, he felt an arm around him again. “It’ll be okay, Stefan.”  
He fell asleep, just like that.


	7. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the support this work has received over the past couple of months! :,) i really thought i'd delete this, but you readers are too sweet. here's my christmas present to you: a well overdue chapter! enjoy <3

Stefan woke with a hazy feeling in his head; he had to open his eyes to remember that he wasn’t in his own bed at home. Memories flooded his mind, almost like a sea of bad decision making. Stefan also noticed that he was in Colin’s bed. Realizing his dad was likely losing his mind, he shot up in bed and out of the room. Colin was already up, smoking a cigarette. “Welcome to today, Stef. You need to be getting more sleep at night,” Colin acknowledged, almost like a command rather than a suggestion. Stefan’s confusion prompted Colin to continue. “You slept fifteen hours last night. Oh, and before you stress yourself, the couch was perfectly comfortable.” Colin assured him with a humorous smile.  
“I… oh. Okay then.” Was all Stefan could reply with. “Well my dad probably thinks I’m dead in a ditch somewhere, so I’m gonna go. Thanks for tolerating me, though,” He started to rush out the door.  
“Oh, cut that out. You’re great company. Get home safe, Stefan.” With a quick ‘thanks’ and a smile, Stefan closed the door behind him and almost ran to the elevator. What the hell was he thinking? Spending the night at a fairly new friend’s house and smoking? Part of Stefan knew it wasn’t that big of a deal, but his brain was running on emergency code red. The elevator doors opened, and Stefan stepped out of the building. Luckily, since Dr. Hayne’s office was just around the corner, he knew exactly where he was. The walk to his house wasn’t bad, and he enjoyed the fresh air anyway.  
Finally able to really breathe, Stefan thought about the night he’d just had. The first thing that came to mind was the amount of touch was involved… Before he could even think about stopping it, he took in a sharp breath as warmth flooded his face. He cursed under his breath. Did he seriously fall asleep on Colin? Then how the hell did he get to bed? Stefan forced himself to stop thinking so intensely; it was starting to give him a headache. Instead, he watched how his feet moved across the sidewalk until he got home around twenty minutes later. Luckily, Peter wasn’t home. It was Sunday, so he was probably out getting groceries. Stefan fell onto his bed as soon as he could and almost wanted to scream. Was Colin just high or did he actually mean to be so intimate? Stefan was seriously considering the first, but he couldn’t help but recognize the possibility of the latter. Covering his face with his hands, he sighed loudly, and decided he needed to shower.  
The water ran hot; probably too hot for the average person. It didn’t matter to Stefan, he just wanted to drown out the thoughts in his head so he could focus on working on Bandersnatch. As he washed his hair, he realized the shower was giving him the opposite effect. The feeling of Colin’s hands on his face, the scent of cigarette smoke (which he was oddly becoming slightly fond of), every moment that Colin held him close… all of it ran through Stefan’s mind at a rate that he could barely keep up with. Flustered to say the least, he quickly ended his shower and got dressed. He sat at his desk, determined to get his work done so that tomorrow’s work wouldn’t be too overwhelming. And he did; Stefan made a lot of progress, even after Peter got home and they ignored each other’s presence. He worked on Bandersnatch until he was beyond exhausted, and finally went to sleep at almost midnight. This was an early night for Stefan, and only because of something he’d never admit: Colin told him to get more sleep at night.  
Stefan realized with a groan into his pillow that he’d caught more feelings than he’d thought.


	8. Risky

Work the next morning was Stefan’s own personal hell. An array of dreams left him with a horrible night of sleep, Thakur was on his back the whole morning about when he’d be able to see the next test run, and Colin hadn’t even bothered to show up that day. Stefan wanted to convince himself that the absence hadn’t annoyed him, but he’d started to just let his mind wander towards the blonde more and more -- it’s not like it wouldn’t have happened anyway. Either way, Stefan was starting to lose his mind a bit as the work atmosphere became louder and more chaotic. He started to feel a meltdown bubbling in his chest, so he pushed his chair away from his desk and left for home without a word to anyone. As soon as he got into his house, he wanted to cry. So he did.  
The anxiety that had been at bay and ignored for the past couple of days was crashing over Stefan in waves, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He finally got himself up the stairs and to his room, as the asphyxiation of confusion and blurry thoughts were building up to a genuine breaking point. After several deep breaths and mind-clearing exercises that Haynes had talked about, he was almost able to think straight -- if you can even call it that.  
He knew that before anything else, he had to figure out whatever sexual identity crisis he was going through; on second thought, he realized it wasn’t an identity crisis at all. Stefan was never particularly fond of women in more than a platonic way (a lot of times, not even that), but he never really… noticed men either. Just one in particular. Secondly, he needed to sort out what to do with that information. He just needed to face it and recognize that his attraction existed, even if he felt like more of a disappointment under his father’s eyes. The repression had clearly caused the meltdown, Stefan realized, and he didn’t particularly need to tell anyone about it -- he just had to be honest with himself.  
After a couple of long moments of deep thought, he decided to go for a long walk to calm down a bit more. The cool air hit his face and Stefan smiled to himself a bit, slightly proud of making some progress on his mental health. The walk was definitely meant to be a long one, but about fifteen minutes in, he realized he was walking to Colin’s apartment. A random turn to the left was meant to throw him off his trail, and not directly into it. Of course Colin was walking around here.  
“Stefan! Shouldn’t you be at work?” Colin teased with a grin.  
“Shouldn’t you?” Stefan retorted. Colin just began walking again, and Stefan couldn’t help but follow. “Really though, why weren’t you there this morning?” He realized how annoying he felt he sounded, and quickly followed up. “I made a lot of progress last night and Thakur is kind of losing his mind.”  
“I just… didn’t feel like it. Sorry. That sounds shitty. Why was Thakur going mad today?” Colin pulled out a cigarette, and Stefan looked away.  
“Uh, I don’t really know. I just kind of left because I got too stressed. At this point I’m just begging to be fired,” Stefan laughed humorlessly, his thudding heart caught in his throat.  
“Nonsense,” Colin took a drag and turned they crossed the street. “Everybody has days like that. It’s normal. “Plus, if he tries to fire you, I’ll just threaten to quit,” Colin gave Stefan a friendly shoulder nudge.  
“You definitely shouldn’t do that. You’re, like, world-famous, and I was destined to be homeless.” Stefan could barely keep his voice from wavering. Not even twenty minutes ago he’d decided to be open with himself and begin to accept the fairly foreign concept of attraction, and now he’s walking next to the man himself. Wonderful. Although, he did still enjoy Colin’s presence either way.  
“Stop that, you’re wonderful. Have you got any plans for the rest of the day?” They were approaching the area of Colin’s apartment again, and Stefan felt his hands shake at the compliment.  
“Just a whole lot of nothing,” Stefan put his hands in his pockets.  
“Great, you need to relax.”  
Only ten minutes passed before they were in the living room again, with the same scenario. Colin held out a lit joint, and this time Stefan took it without any hesitation. He inhaled the smoke without much trouble and felt Colin’s stare from across the small coffee table. Only looking up to give it back, Stefan noticed that Colin had already taken out and lit another joint. “Keep it, love, you need that one more than I do.” Stefan didn’t even know how to reply without stuttering and messing up, so he hid his blushing face by hitting the joint again. “What’s got you all wound up? You’ve been tense all afternoon.”  
Stefan didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t even prepared himself to spend time with the person that’s caused the whole sexual confusion and awakening thing, but shit happens. “I don’t know.” Was all he managed. He couldn’t tell if his eyes were sore because he was smoking or if he wanted to cry again. He smoked some more.  
“Okay, you don’t have to talk about anything. But you can if you want to.” They sat in silence for a little while.  
“I don’t know,” Stefan repeated, a bit quieter. His mind felt foggy, and he felt his high starting to kick in. He didn’t know when it happened, but Colin was sitting next to him on his right a few moments later.  
“It’s okay to not know,” Colin leaned back and brought the joint to his lips. “Figuring your shit out is hard.”  
“Why are you always so nice to me?” Stefan blurted out randomly, and almost regretted it. Finally, he looked up at Colin.  
“You’re a good person and I enjoy your company, Stefan. There aren’t a lot of good people left; you’re a catch, really.”  
Stefan made a risky decision and closed the gap between the two of them.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I appreciate the kudos so much!!! Thank u :) But since this fandom is dying a little bit, I'm totally accepting suggestions for things you'd want to see in this story! Additionally, my inspiration is a little low :( Thank ya friends <33

 

Oh fuck. What had he done? Immediately, all of the adrenaline rushes left Stefan and he was left with gut-wrenching dread. The drugs remaining in his system made everything a bit harder to comprehend his surroundings, let alone the situation. In fact, it took a moment or two for him to realize that Colin had kissed him back. A few seconds later, too short, Stefan thought, he pulled back and instantly looked down to his hands. "Oh, sh- wait a sec. Hold on. What? I'm sorry. I can't just go ar-"  
"Stef."  
"I mean, that's so out of line for me to-"  
"Stefan."  
"Yes?" He slowed his thought process, as it was going absolutely wild.  
"Are you just really high? Or...?" Stefan felt vulnerable under the open question. He didn't like that he had to finish it with an explanation himself, but he figured Colin deserved one.  
"Sorry. I'm not. I guess my inhibitions are just... lowered?" He brought his hands to his face -- why was everything still spinning? Suddenly he didn't want to be high anymore.  
"Are you sure? You're actually comfortable with what's happening?" Stefan could feel Colin's stare burning into his skin, and he swallowed his anxiety.  
"I, uh- yeah." After a split second of silence, Colin was the one to initiate the kiss. Stefan felt like his chest was on fire... in a good way? He also felt that his head was spinning rapidly, and he was surely dreaming. Colin's hand made it to Stefan's waist, and things got heavy, fast. Colin broke the kiss this time, too.  
"I trust your judgment, but I'm not gonna do anything if you're high. Come on, let's go watch a movie and take a nap or something." Stefan frowned a bit, but agreed and followed Colin from the mildly uncomfortable couch to Colin's room. There was a TV set up against the wall parallel to the foot of the bed, making the movie plan perfect. It didn't really matter, though, because Stefan knew he'd be asleep in moments, as he was both high and mentally exhausted. Instantly getting comfortable in the large bed, he somewhat tuned out whatever Colin was saying about the movie that was already in the player and more waited on him to also lay down. As soon as he did, Stefan was careful to leave him some space -- he still wasn't absolutely sure what was going on. That proved to be pointless, as Colin protested with "Oh come on, don't be ridiculous." Stefan managed to fall asleep shortly after, although his heart was racing -- of course, as he laid comfortably snuggled up to his idol of who knows how long.

\--

1:14 AM. That's the first thing Stefan saw when he woke up; the alarm clock's bright numbers were easily readable from across the dark room. The realization of where he was and what was happening made him realize he was finally sober, and it also sent his heart racing again. Colin was clearly already awake, although the lights were off and the TV was running on some pointless infomercial. Additionally, a cigarette faintly lit up the room with an amber glow. Stefan sat up in the bed, and Colin didn’t seem to notice. “Does it count if I say good morning?” Colin asked casually without turning his attention.  
“I don’t think so? I don’t know.” Stefan mumbled, stretching slightly and wanting to disappear into nothingness.  
“Stef, do you feel comfortable here?” Colin’s abrupt change of topic was almost intimidating, and Stefan couldn’t seem to look away when he finally turned his head.  
“Yes.” Barely two seconds had passed. He didn’t know where the confidence was coming from; maybe it was the tiredness, or an effect of the weed, or maybe it was just because Stefan realized he didn’t really have anything to lose and was finding the man inches from him awfully attractive with his fancy cigarette in his fancy room. “And can you actually start telling me how you’re feeling too? Because it’s kind of stressing me out.”  
“It’s almost laughable how oblivious you are. You’re so…” Colin drifted off, taking another drag of the cigarette. “Stefan, will you stay here? With me? Just for a few days.”  
Wishing he had a way to prove to himself that he wasn’t dreaming, Stefan felt his heart race violently in his chest. “Y-yeah, I mean,” Stefan finally broke the eye contact and looked at his hands. “Yes. That would be nice.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little saucy but not 2 much i hope that's okay with u guys 👉👈 !!

Before I start this very long chapter: Thank you so, so much for your support. I genuinely teared up when I read all of your comments (I didn’t reply to all of them, sorry! But I read every single one), because I’ve never really published any of my writing. You all are so kind and really make me want to keep writing. So as a thank you, enjoy this extra long chapter -- and another one in the works :)  
It had been almost a week of the two living in Colin’s apartment. Colin was “covering” Stefan at work to keep Thakur off his back. And at one point, he took Stefan home to grab some clothes and briefly give his dad an “I’ll be back later.” And to Stefan, everything was perfect in his world for the first time, well… ever.  
They had talked about their situation -- kind of. To be honest, Stefan was still a little confused, whether it was his awestruck feeling everywhere he went, or genuine confusion about the relationship, he couldn’t be sure.  
“Stef,” Colin broke him from his thoughts. “C’mere, we’re taking a nap.”  
“Okay.” Was all he said in response. They had spent one or two of their days together completely stoned through the twenty-four hours -- Stefan justified it with the fact that work and his dad were stressing him out like crazy -- and today was one of those days. Stefan soon found himself in Colin’s bedroom, and his memory felt too hazy to even remember walking from the kitchen to the bedroom. As he laid down on the frighteningly comfortable bed -- or maybe he was just high -- he shoved a thought to the back of his mind. Genuinely, he really knew he wanted more than getting high and watching movies, not that he wasn’t over the moon that it was happening. He wanted something exclusive, and although Colin was quite the kind soul, Stefan didn’t want to bring it up, in case it made anything weird. _That’s ridiculous,_ he thought, _I’m just being weird about it._ To further prove his own point, he went back to shoving that thought back to who knows where and enjoying his dream life.  
Lazily lying on his side, Stefan felt an arm wrap around him and a blanket come up to his shoulders, and he fell asleep instantaneously.  
As most of their days went, they woke up, Colin always before Stefan, at the ungodly hours of the morning and talked about whatever they were thinking about. This time, it was the multiverse theory.  
“I totally believe there’s worlds out there just like ours, but slightly different. The universe is way too big for it not to be possible.” Stefan yawned.  
“Yeah, but if there are infinite universes for every possibility to exist, that means there’s one where the multiverse theory _isn’t_ true. So that ruins all of it; it’s a paradox,” Colin explained as if it were as easy to disprove the multiverse theory as it was to tie your shoes.  
“I… don’t like that. My brain hurts.” Stefan honestly replied, earning a laugh from Colin. “But just in the scenario of a working multiverse theory, what do you think you’d be like in another universe?”  
“Probably the exact same,” Colin replied, crossing his ankles as he leaned against the balcony barrier. The balcony was their typical spot for getting lost in thoughts, and on this night at 3:28 in the morning, everything felt so serene -- even the busy city. “I don’t have enough interests for there to be a realistic drastic change.”  
“That’s such a lie,” Stefan joked.  
“Well, what about you, then? What would you be like in an alternate universe?” Colin retorted.  
“Ugh, I don’t know, homeless? I feel like that would suit me well.” Stefan replied, earning another genuine laugh from Colin. Surprisingly, he was feeling somewhat sleepy again.  
Colin seemed to be able to sense that because he motioned for Stefan to come back inside with him. As soon as he shut the door behind him, he headed to the couch and sat next to Colin, who had just lit a cigarette. A couple of moments of silence had passed, and Stefan felt like his heart was going to be audible from how fast it was going. Was it normal to find smoking extremely attractive? He hoped so.  
“You tired again already?” Colin asked after another silent moment.  
“Kind of, I don’t know how. I slept for like, seven hours just now,” Stefan shrugged and yawned shortly after.  
Colin put out the cigarette in the green ashtray on the table in front of him. “I don’t get it either, I could fall asleep again too.” And with that, Stefan was headed to Colin’s room once again, and Colin followed. Almost instantly, they ended up laying down, Stefan laying his head on Colin’s chest. Some calm time passed, and Stefan didn’t feel the need to say anything; it wasn’t an awkward silence. At one point, Colin began to gently comb through Stefan’s hair, eliciting a satisfied hum from him. “What?”  
“Oh, nothing. That just feels nice.” Stefan replied, letting out a sigh. Knowing his face was red, he made sure to chill out a bit.  
It didn’t last long. He suddenly had the random urge to kiss Colin, and it was strong. So he did. Colin was smiling a bit into the kiss, and Stefan felt like his chest was on fire. Soon enough, he learned that it was quite uncomfortable to just be leaning back, so he found himself guided into Colin’s lap. _Oh my god is this happening?_ His mind was going crazy. Losing his random confidence quickly, he shyly steadied himself by laying his arms on Colin’s shoulders. Once again, Colin was running his hands through Stefan’s hair, and the latter sighed gently, allowing the session to get a lot more heated than it was before. Colin rocked his hips the slightest amount to test the waters, and was pleased to receive a shaky sigh from Stefan. One of Colin’s hands moved to rest on the younger’s hip, who in turn leaned slightly into the touch.  
Stefan felt like he was overheating, as well as his anxiety deep in his chest. He’d never gotten this far with anybody, let alone the fact that his realization that he was attracted to men arose only a little over a week ago. Luckily, a lot of the anxiety was clouded by the fact that he never could’ve dreamed how he felt. He moved his hand down to hold onto Colin’s shirt as he gently rolled his hips, mostly unintentionally. In response, both hands went to his hips as he was pulled closer, if that was even possible. Colin moved down to Stefan’s neck, leaving gentle kisses, and tried not to smile when he earned a high whine from Stefan.  
This went on for a few more minutes before Colin sighed, and stopped. Stefan frowned. “Stef, I’m afraid I can’t sleep with you when we literally met like, a month ago.” Stefan let out a sigh and crossed his arms.  
“Well, why’d you start it then?” He responded, frustrated.  
“Because it’s not that I don’t _want_ to -- believe me, I do, -- but I don’t want to rush you. Another time.” Still pouting, Stefan went back to laying down, feeling Colin’s hand go back to the comforting motion of combing through his hair.  
And sooner than he’d liked to, Stefan fell back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god im so high i need to post this asap


	11. Chapter 11

Stefan had gone back to work, and Colin was right: Thakur was staying off of his back. He was barely home to see his dad anymore, which was a genuine relief. After sneaking his everyday items out one night -- like medication and such -- it almost felt like Stefan just lived with Colin from then on. Not that he minded.  
Well, he kind of did. He was convinced that he owed it to his dad to at least say something, even though deep down he knew it wasn’t a great idea. Still, he felt obligated to.  
“I don’t know your dad, but if you feel like that’s a good idea, I support it. If you don’t, then I support that, too. Just let me know when to drive you over.” Was what Colin had to say about it, after asking why Stefan seemed on edge lately. Stefan just nodded with a genuine smile and went back to reading his book.  
It came up again the next day, and later on that afternoon, he decided he wanted to see his dad. Just for a few minutes, it couldn’t hurt.  
Stefan used the key under the mat to let himself in, only to find his dad on the couch in the living room with a disappointed glare clear as day on his face. “Hi, dad.”  
“Welcome home. Or are you just passing by?” There was a sharpness to his words that Stefan recognized, and it made his head hurt.  
“Dad, I’m not moving out permanently. I just needed to focus on the game.” Partial lie.  
“Focus? That’s bullshit! Do you know how worried I am about you every night? That I hope you’re safe, asleep in bed somewhere?” Peter barked. Stefan instantly felt guilt hit him like a truck, even though he knew that this was exactly what his dad does.  
“You didn’t seem to care while I was here. I didn’t think it was a big deal,” He was still standing up, and his dad decided to stand as well.  
“I didn’t care? Are you fucking kidding me? I took you to that therapist weekly. Do you have any idea what that cost me?” Stefan decided it was time to leave soon, as he wasn’t getting anywhere. The guilt was the only thing keeping him in that house.  
He took a deep breath. “Dad, I’ll be back soon. I’m finding my own place, don’t worry. I’m finally figuring it out. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that was happening, but can you blame me? You ignore me every single day. I know you’re upset, and I’m not trying to argue-”  
“Get out of my house,” Peter wasn’t looking at him anymore.  
“Wh- I need to come and get my stuff later-”  
“Get out.”  
Grabbing only his favorite coat that hung on the metal hooks by the door, Stefan silently left the house.  
“That was quick, are you okay?” Colin asked as soon as Stefan got back into the car.  
“Yes,” Stefan replied quietly. Assuming he didn’t want to chat about it, Colin didn’t pry. It was dark outside; the sun had just set a few minutes ago and it was making Stefan’s chest ache. The rest of the drive home held no conversation, only the quiet sound of Joy Division coming from Colin’s car radio.  
As soon as Colin closed and locked the apartment door behind him, Stefan basically attacked him with a hug, and Colin didn’t mind. They stood there for a few silent moments, holding each other like the world was ending. And in a sense, it was; Stefan felt like he’d been drifting on a wave of luck, able to avoid the big problems and just enjoy existing for days at a time -- but he felt the wave had passed. Reality was settling in, and it was settling fast.  
Colin didn’t realize that Stefan was crying at first -- in fact, the latter barely did at first himself -- and pulled Stefan closer to him; an unfamiliar urge to help another in any way possible hit him deep in his chest. He would do anything for Stefan -- he would _die_ for him if he needed to.  
They went to bed early that night. One emotionally exhausted, the other just thinking of ways to help. Neither one let go of the other the entire night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so very sorry this chapter is kinda short this online school is kicking my ass :( i hope u enjoyed though, i plan on updating frequently from now on! :)


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